I fall short.
Something occurred to me
recently. I’m giving so much for this mission. Well, we all already knew that,
but it’s more and different than I anticipated. The reality of what we give for
Familia Feliz is not something I really thought a lot about before. I’m a broke
post-grad and I gave all of my money to come here. All of the money I have
right now is fundraised. Familia Feliz runs completely off of donation, and
right now I am living completely off of donation. And it’s not just finances. I’m
giving my time – just over 10 months of my life. I’m giving my physical health.
If I was in the states, I would not be getting sick as often. Coming to Bolivia
means introducing my body to a whole new microbiome, and so I get sick much
easier. And because of the nature of the jungle, the heat, and the humidity, it
is much harder to heal here. I also wouldn’t have to filter all of my water and
have to be so scared of food. Because the house is basically one with the
jungle, there is often bugs in the groceries that we have to keep an eye out
for. I’ve forgotten about being comfortable. I’ve given my mental health to
this. Everything I think about is for the kids and I don’t have room in my head
for anything else. My spiritual health is significantly harder to take care of.
I’ve given up my autonomy – everything I do is for the kids. I’ve given up my
ability to be at home with my friends and family. I’ve given up my first
language and I am forced to learn a new language in order to communicate with
the kids and locals. I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m complaining because I’m
not. I’ve purposely put my life on a standstill to be here with these kids. And
what I’m giving and what I’m doing is nothing compared to the founder, the
director, and the director’s wife of Familia Feliz have given, given up, and
have done for these kids. I may go back home with less worldly things than I
came with, but I’ll have so much more in a completely different way. I keep
forgetting that this is all temporary for me. But it will stay with me, won’t
it? In Matthew 10, Jesus instructed His disciples as to how they are to go out
into the world to spread His good news. He said not to bring anything extra –
money, bags, extra clothes. He would provide. He does provide. Us at Familia
Feliz have given up everything we have and everything we are to be His hands
and feet – and He has provided over and over and over and over again.
Recently, one of my girls
asked me to pray with her and her little sister before bed. As I was sitting with
them in their room, the older sister was spilling so much to be about her life
and her mental health. Nothing crazy, but it was important, and I was so
frustrated. And it wasn’t even because I wanted to better understand her. It
was because I DID understand her. I was frustrated because I had SO MUCH to say
to her. Things to say that I wouldn’t have to say if I haven’t been through
what I have and didn’t study psychology as much as I have. But I COULDN’T. I couldn’t
tell her what I wanted to tell her because I don’t have enough words in Spanish
to tell her. It feels like it almost would have been easier if I DIDN’T
understand her. Maybe. I’ve just spent so much time of my life learning how to
talk to people, to kids, and those that are hurt that it’s aggravating when I
can’t put any of my knowledge, skill, or practice into action. Now I have to learn
a whole new language in order to use anything that I’ve learned. I’ve struggled
with this before, but it was different. It was more about my ability to apply
parenting tactics, and I’ve mostly learned enough language for that. But this
is different. My whole goal of this mission, my ultimate goal for my time here,
is that my kids know that they are loved. And it feels like I could love them
SO MUCH BETTER if I had more words, more language.
Being His servants was
never meant to be easy. I want to serve Him, that is why I am here. I have a
very good friend who is a current student missionary at another location – Zambia.
Her mission isn’t easy either. I was sending a voice message to her, and I
realized something. Maybe that’s the point. It’s supposed to be hard. It’s supposed
to be tough. It IS impossible to do alone. This is not just our work, it’s His
work. In order to do His work, we need Him. I cannot rely on my own ability. I
can’t. That option was stripped away from me when I was sent to a country that
speaks an entirely different language than me. I have to rely on the Lord. He
sent me here, and He will make sure these kids know they are loved. While we
can try to do everything we can towards His work, we will always fall short. I fall
short. And so, I give it to God.
Dear Lord
I
want to pray for the reader. You have given us the opportunity to be you hands
and feet, and I thank you for that. I pray that the reader, when they recognize
that they do fall short, that they give it to you and see you work.
Amen.
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